What you do to me: how you shape my mind
We are who we are only in relation to others. There is no separate self. Identity is not of an individual, it is between individuals. This is what the emerging field of Interpersonal Neurobiology presents.
Once upon a time, we used to believe that who we are as adults is a fixed thing, a person who is just so, essentially unchanging with minor adjustments in thoughts and traits over time. That our brains and minds are formed when we are children, and stop changing when we are older. Then we realised that in fact, our brains keep changing throughout our lifetime, as research started to prove how neuroplasticity works …the ability to make new neural networks in our brain for as long as we live.
We learned that what we experience, attend to, practice, think, believe…continuously shapes our brain, and hence our mind.
And then, just over 30 years ago, a clinical Professor of Psychiatry named Dr Dan Siegel, currently at UCLA School of Medicine, took this idea further, saying that the mind is relational, mostly influenced by our relationships with others, and continuously changing.
He argues that the mind is a flow of energy between processes going on within us, and with those around us.
Our minds are not just interconnected, they are formed by and continuously evolving through our relationships with others.
Dr Siegel’s theory formed by combining his own clinical experience in psychiatry, with inter-disciplinary research including anthropology, systems theory, mathematics and more, evolving into the field now known as Interpersonal Neurobiology.
What is new about this, is how significant it makes our closest relationships, even as adults, to who we are moment to moment, as persons.
We are always in a perpetual state of being created and creating ourselves
Daniel J Siegel, The Developing Mind: How Relationships Interact to Shape Who We Are.
An example of this connectedness is how we start to mirror those whom we are in close contact with for some time, thanks to mirror neurons. We can now track how our breathing, heart rate, body temperature, and brain activity change and synchronise with another’s, unless we consciously regulate ourselves. This is most notable in babies with their primary caregivers, and indeed Dr Siegel’s work has deepened our understanding of the influence of this crucial relationship to a child’s development. It also happens between adults.
Most of us have noticed how the presence of some people make us feel calmer, others more anxious, some more elevated, and others more uneasy. The tells are in our gut, our heart, our face, our head. While we hope to be individuals who don’t get dysregulated by every passing mood from those around us, it helps to be aware of the influence that another person has on our mind as we relate to them.
This has significant implications for our relationships. Who we choose to be in relationship with as close friends or partners, who we choose to spend our time with, now comes with the responsible awareness of acknowledging the effect their presence may have on us. Likewise, we also become aware of how we might affect them.
If we are always carrying an undercurrent of anger, or anxiety, this will on some level be felt by our companions, and may even shape their mental state over time, depending on how self-regulated they are.
Equally, at work, the people we spend most time with shape who we are. They influence our baseline levels of stress, our nervous systems, and how safe we feel in the environment.
When our manager remains composed in the midst of a crisis, we will be physiologically different around them than if they are anxious before every deadline…over the longer term our conscious and subconscious responses may become a part of our personality, unless we remain aware and self-regulated.
There is wonder and beauty in such connectedness. Our relational mind somehow makes sense as we consider our human-ness. Even if we didn’t know it, we kind of knew it…we are who we are only in relation to and by relating with others. Our personality does not exist in a vacuum.
Even if we didn’t know it, we kind of knew it….we are who we are only in relation to and by relating with others. Our personality does not exist in a vacuum.
There might however be a valid concern, about how we stay in connection with whom we want to (or have to), without letting some of their dys-regulated mental states compromise ours. How do we stay healthy, in harmony with others and ourselves, with our minds being so responsive to others?
The risk is not that we become like people closest to us, but rather that we become the person always reacting to them.
The risk is not that we become like people closest to us, but rather that we become the person always reacting to them.
Awareness and self-regulation help us stay connected and present whilst keeping our minds centred. A meditation practice is a helpful way to develop these qualities of presence and emotional regulation. This has a double positive effect. On the one hand, when we are regulated and centred, we will exude this calm and so people who spend time with us will feel it and perhaps also find themselves becoming calmer. On the other, if our colleague or friend is prone to a certain mental state, we will notice it and remain centred where we are, rather than mirroring or reacting in conditioned ways to their demeanour.
It is no surprise then that Dr Siegel is a long-term practitioner and teacher of meditation. He has developed a meditation method called the Wheel of Awareness, to help people develop clear awareness and self-regulation, while remaining connected.
The findings of Interpersonal Neurobiology are more relevant now than ever, with cultural shifts in how much time we spend with others in person. As babies and children we are spending less time with parents than ever, and more with childcarers whose attention may be in high demand. As teenagers we are spending more time on our devices than connecting in person with family or friends. And as adults we are experiencing the world of remote work more than any other generation. How we navigate these changes will shape our very minds.
The research on the “intraconnected mind” encourages a coming back to centred, nurturing connections with people in person, that have a positive feedback loop, to help our minds thrive. It also shows the importance of cultivating the ability to regulate ourselves so that we remain centred and able to retain our sense of self amidst external influences.
Photo credits (from the top): Tim Marshall, Karolina Grabowska
